Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Your Dating Dilemmas, Solved By A Guy.

by Sarah Davis

We all do it. We overanalyze situations that guys probably don't.  Okay, we know they don't overanalyze as much as we do. While we're going over and over it in our minds, with our girlfriends, and even with complete strangers, we rarely just ask the guy.  After all, he's the one you're obsessing over.  But, if you don't feel like asking the guy, this is the blog for you.  Today, we're asking a guy for his input on all of your most common dating dilemmas.  In the spotlight, Lee Terbosic (we interviewed him a few months back) is stepping up to the plate with some honest responses.  Lee is a 29 year old self-made comedy magician who is based out of Pittsburgh.  A young entrepreneur? Of course, ladies, we wouldn't have a "scrub" answer your questions.  Let's jump right into it.  

Dilemma #1: "I always catch myself talking about my ex and sometimes, I even compare my current boyfriend with an old boyfriend.  I feel like a guy should be confident enough to not be bothered by this, but do you think he is?"
Lee: No new guy ever wants to hear about an old boyfriend ever. We would never want to be compared or referenced to him at any point. Its not that were are not confident to hear about it’s because if your bringing him up to often we are going to get the wrong idea and think your not over him and we are going to look elsewhere. 

Dilemma #2: "If I have feelings for a guy, should I go ahead and tell him or wait for him to do so? Will it freak him out if I tell him, even though he always flirts with me and has taken me out a few times.  Should I just wait around for him to make a move?"
Lee: It's ok to hint to a guy that you have feelings just no big speeches or "I love you"’s to soon. If a guy is showing you he is very interested, it's nice to know its not all for nothing and that you feel a connection as well. Go about it in simply ways until the timing is right or he lets you know. Guys are just as nervous to show our vulnerability for fear of rejection or saying the wrong thing too soon also.

Dilemma #3: "If a guy wants to be with me, won't he "make it happen"? If he isn't around, does that mean he doesn't like me? Or, is he just thinking about things."
Lee: Every guy is a little bit different about these things but if a guy is taking time out of his busy day to talk to you or catch up with you about things he is clearly interested and is in the market for something more. This is were you have to read through the BS and decide if what he is offering is what you want.  He could be offering  romance, could just be friendship, maybe just a hook up and some cases it could be all three. Guys live by a set of rules and when bro codes come into play things can get tricky for us. If a guy has made an attempt to be around but isn't that doesn't mean he not interested just means you have to let him slid that one time but if he is a no show more than twice or you don't hear from him for weeks  it just means he is not interested for romance and is putting something else first. A guy that is really interested will put the one he wants to be with first and everything else second, he will drop a game with the guys or beers with his buds to put in the one on one time if he serious about you....ohh and if he only hits you up after midnight its just for a hook up, so don't get attached....because we might think that all you want as well.

Dilemma #4: "Sometimes I'm a little hard on my boyfriend and I criticize him a lot.  Does he care or is he more sensitive than he lets on?"
Lee: We can be sensitive at times and it just comes down to what its about. It’s better to pick your battles because we will remember, and we will be the first to criticize back if you do it to often. All guys want a woman that doesn't start nothing fights and is constructive with their criticism so next time try to offer something positive along with the negative. Plus if we already had a bad day hearing it from the one you love can just make it way worse. Also if you can criticize in a funny or playful way you might avoid fights a lot more often.
Dilemma #5: "I have a great career and I make more money than the guy I am dating.  I often talk about my job because it is a big part of my life and I find that he gets frustrated when I do so.  Should I have to censor myself just because I have a career that I love?"
Lee: I don't think you should censor yourself but if its causing problems maybe only give the important facts and keep the smaller one’s to yourself. Some guys can be embarrassed that his girl makes more and when that's the case, talks about bonuses and job perks can be annoying. Some guys are happy with the jobs they have and its not about making 10 million dollars but just simply doing something that makes you happy and also being with someone that gives you that same feeling. So talks of trips, free cell phones and fancy dinners sometimes shouldn't be all the topics of your work conversations, so try sprinkling in other things. 

Dilemma #6: "I love to go out on the weekends with my girlfriends, but not always with my boyfriend.  Why does this bother him and why I should I change my life just to make him happy?"
Lee: I personally like when a girl has her own friends and does her own thing from time to time. I hate having to be the one that plans out her weekend or feel bad when I want my guy time. If this does bother him it just means he does not trust you or your friends. He either feels threatened by another guy that you know or fears he could lose you. The way this could be handled is invite him out every so often so he can see first hand there is nothing to worry about or stay in contact during the night and want to meet up after the night is over. Its the simply things that put a mans mind at ease. We just want to know your not being shady and the more the trust grows the less it will be a big deal to go out with the girls. 
Dilemma #7: "I have always wanted to get married and have babies.  I feel like guys should know this about me when we start dating because that is where I want my life to go.  Why don't guys like to know that I am headed in this direction?"
Lee: This is definitely an important conversation and I would say you should be honest and talk about these things in the first few dates, so to not waste anyone's time but that could also send him running. Guys generally don't want to hear about that stuff because it then puts a timeline of the relationship, adds pressure and also what if his answers are not the same. I would say 90% of guys want the same things but its just a matter of timing for them. I personally want to be married and have kids but there is a time table in every guys mind about this stuff and if we are both are way off and neither is willing to compromise then its best to look elsewhere. Guys will always be stubborn about these things because we never want to feel pressured to have to do something. We want to pop the question because we want to not because you want us to. You best strategy is instead of telling what you want, ask what he wants in the early dates and if you can live with his answers then you will know if he is a keeper or not. 
 Dilemma #8: "I tend to hide things about myself (that play a huge role in my life) when dating because I am insecure about them.  But, it's always been my impression that guys don't even care to know everything about the girl they are dating.  Do I need to be 100% open with him or should I not tell him things that might make him think I'm less attractive in some way?"
Lee: This just comes down to what it is. If its something super major and could be a game changer you should be upfront with this information sooner than later and let him decide if something he is ok with. Hiding something that he is going to find out anyway is always bad for business and could make it worse, so being upfront might get you further. If its something serious plan a night and look for a opportunity to be honest and transparent he will be more open to it and more likely accepting. 
Dilemma #9: "I have feelings for a good guy friend of mine.  I want to take it to the next level, but I don't want to mess up our friendship if he doesn't feel the same way. What should I do?"
Lee: If you want to get out of the friend zone you have to be willing to go for it and also willing to lose what you already have. If he does not feel the same way and you lose him as a friend because you were honest with him about your feeling then he was not that great of a friend to begin with. A real friend would just let you down easy and not let that affect the friendship as whole, and who knows he could of been thinking the same thing all along about you. Be brave taking chances is what life is all about.

 Dilemma #10: "I am addicted to checking my boyfriend's FB page.  A lot of girls text him, message him, and write on his wall.  I know it's silly, but it makes me angry.  It always makes me think he might be cheating on me. Should I lighten up or should I take this as a "redflag" in our relationship?"
Lee: This is tricky situation because these days being social and on social media sites is what everyone does and your reaction to these things could be a bad sign to him. First things first if your checking his page and seeing lots of things that are red flags then its obvious you don't trust him and if he has given you reason to not trust him, I think its time for you to move on. Who want to worry all the time? The second approach is just to simply ask…not annoy or do anything shady just simply ask…who knows you could be worrying about his cousin or long lost friend. Also if your just dating a guy you can't get mad until you have the "the talk" about what you both are and then see if he opens up about who these people are. You might be surprised, they then someday could wind up in your wedding party.

Image Credit: Jordan Beckham

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