"The eternal self dwells in eternity, and eternity intersects linear time at only one point: the present. Who you are in this moment, therefore, is who you truly are. And who you are is love itself. From that essential point of perfect being, created anew by God in every instant, miracles flow naturally. Love interrupts the past and opens the future to new probabilities. No matter who you are, no matter how old you are, in the present, all things are possible." -Marianne Williamson, The Age of Miracles
If you are one of the sweet folks who reads my blog regularly, you may be wondering why I haven't been updating Style & Wisdom as much lately, and I am here to explain why (with a little dose of inspiration.) I woke up yesterday morning (after almost a month of trying to write something inspirational for the blog but never being satisfied with it enough to post it) with the worst anxiety attack I've had in over five years.
While I'm embarrassed to mention this, I know that many of you come to this blog because I am very open about my history with stuttering and battle with anxiety. To give you an idea of what an anxiety attack is like, it basically feels like someone hits a "self destruct" button your soul. You're dying to escape out of your own mind, so you think about ways to escape that you can actually do: like escape your house or move to a new city. It's complete internal chaos. However, for the first time in my life, I was able to use the anxiety attack to my advantage and just let myself experience it. Afterward, I felt such a calm feeling, as though my body just needed to cleanse itself out of some lingering anxiety I haven't been addressing.
One of the most important things to remember is that we create our lives. What we're thinking about and bringing into our lives actually happens. I created this anxiety attack. By owning up and facing what was producing this anxiety, it sped the process up a little. It forced me to make some changes, which brought me a lot of peace.
Luckily for us, internal chaos is a great thing to experience when you are confused. Often, we don't want to look at situations (especially when those situations are relationships) clearly because we wish it were different. When certain situations arise where our ego is trying to win something over, you begin to deny your instincts, or your soul. If you aren't real with yourself and your actions, you are bound to not end up finding any real happiness. Internal chaos, however, can be trusted to tell you what you aren't trying to see is something that needs to be addressed.
For a little bit of time now, I've been dating a person that I felt exactly this way with: I wanted it to work. I was letting my ego have more control than my "inner guide." Yet, every single day, I would have anxiety, an upset stomach, and I was even stuttering more than I had in years (which only happens when I am anxious). Even more so, I was struggling with Writer's Block, which has never in my life happened. I write every day, even if it's just on my phone on the treadmill at the gym. I was completely uninspired to do the things in my life that I love to do.
I consider myself to be an educated person and someone who has studied spiritual health, but I did not want to see this situation clearly. I kept going until I woke up and felt so anxious that I debated going to the hospital to make it stop. Crying, I found myself doing what you do when you feel so broken down that you have nothing else in the entire world to do- talking to God, asking questions. I've only been to this spiritual point a few times in my life and every time, I knew it was time to do something big. I just felt this voice inside of me saying, "This is not love. God is love." Without God, you are not experiencing love. Relationships may be hard, but love is very, very simple and easy.
And then it hit me that I never date anyone who believes in God and it wrecks my soul. Ever since I was a child, I've just felt this huge urge to be very in touch with spirituality and to be writing about it. You'd think I would want the love interest in my life to be on the same page with my main loves in life. I made a lot of bad decisions when I was younger, trying to figure out what the hell I was supposed to do with myself as a stutterer and battling depression, and when you do that, you lose a little bit of your self-worth. It also hit me that this anxiety attack was telling me that I had forgotten about God by becoming too consumed with the silly trials in my own life. I hadn't necessarily forgotten about God, as in the higher being, but I had forgotten to believe in God by embracing everything about myself that I know God put in me, like writing blogs for other people to be inspired by.
I was raised as a Christian, so no matter what I study now, most of the major Christian values are imprinted into my soul. I don't consider myself just strictly a Christian today (I am a little more Buddhist, or someone who reads A Course in Miracles, than anything else), but I still love some of the values. One being that you should never date someone who doesn't also take God seriously and another that marriage should be pretty important: since it becomes the basis of any family. But my biggest mistake in this life is that I always choose people to be in relationships with that neglect these values. I suppose I haven't fully developed the confidence I should have to be as passionate about my beliefs and journey to overcoming a lot of struggles in real life, as opposed to on paper. This is you allowing your fear to control your decision-making.
So, I created this anxiety attack because I neglected myself. I knew that something needed to change or be removed from my life because I wasn't feeling happy. Everything that is unique about me wasn't flowing naturally at this point, for whatever reason. We have to really be open to seeing our own lives in the mirror, because when we try to pretend like everything is okay, this internal chaos arises. Usually, we are only ever pretending that things are okay because we are not 100% aligned with the choices we are making.
Needless to say, once I removed this uneasy relationship from my life, the results were immediate. I wasn't stuttering, I began writing again, and I felt a confidence that I get when I am nurturing myself. This is the main reason why I am posting this tragic little story of mine: to let you know that if you are confused about difficult situations, you can figure out what to do by looking at how naturally flowing miracles are in your life. Miracles are naturally occurring. They only stop when we are doing something to our own lives that is creating a blockage. Sometimes the miracle in life can be as small as seeing yourself make choices that are correct, even if you don't really feel on board with them. Whenever you are making choices that are correct for your own life, you will witness naturally flowing miracles. Plain and simple. Whenever you make choices are not correct for your life, you will experience internal chaos. Some of the typical reasons we might choose the wrong path (and create blockages) is to fit in because we aren't yet confident with who we are or when we date "anyone" just to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
And, if you are in a situation where you made a wrong choice, get up and try again. Know that we are built to make mistakes to learn through them. Getting up and trying again is a sign of self-love. This is something you do when you believe in yourself and what you are on this planet to do. Getting up and trying again, no matter how bad you fucked up, is a miracle.
Listen, when every cell in your body, breaks you down and you need to converse with God. And know that God, and the entire universe, has your back.
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